Mohammed Sheikh

Author Archives: Mohammed Sheikh

Personal Ownership – Personal Freedom

This past week’s theme in my CORE Transformation 10 Week program has all been around discussing the NLP Presupposition the Map is not the Territory.

It speaks to the realization that our experience of reality is just that, our own unique experience, which is filtered and distorted by our current thoughts and emotions at the time, and further filtered through our own beliefs about the way things work (which comes from what’s happened in history AND the MEANING we attached to it at that time).

Read that sentence over a few times, as there’s a lot to unpack there. ????

And so, when one realizes this, they can find personal freedom, because what follows is the realization that limitation is not in the world, but it often exists only in their distorted representation of the world.

This brings us to personal ownership.

Personal ownership, for me, is defined by taking accountability and responsibility over all areas of my life.

So many of us have conceded our ability to have choice over to our own limited beliefs about how the world works.

I see this all the time – people stuck in dead end minimum wage jobs, people mindlessly popping one prescription after another, people stuck in states of victimhood about events that happened years ago and people stuck in emotions and behaviours that are self-defeating

Personal Ownership requires us to realize that YOU are the controlling factor in what happens and that no one is going to do it for you.

It IS possible, but it’s going to require work.

On Wealth –
What are your beliefs around money? Do you have an abundance mindset, that there is plenty to go around? Or are you stuck in scarcity? Is money the root of all evil? Or is nothing more than a resource?

Do you have a plan? Have you run the numbers? If you keep progressing at your current rate, will you be where you want to be in 10 years?

I worked with a sales guy once who told me his goal was to hit $100K in 2 years. That’s a very reasonable goal. However, I asked him what the top guys in his company are making? He answered $75-$80K. Something about that threw me off. I then asked him to break down his commission structure for me. We quickly realized that his compensation plan was structured that it was unrealistic to hit $100K consistently – that he would have to literally always be working. It was a bad model for him. He could get all the skills but he was stuck in the wrong environment. His breakthrough happened by switching to another company where the top guys were making closer to $200K. It was much easier for him to hit his goal there.

On Health –
Understand that we can’t give ourselves over to what the so called experts say. Do your own research. Every body (see what I did there) is unique. We have a sick care system, not a health care system. Simply NOT having illness or pains shouldn’t be the goal. Aim for abundance of energy, strength, flexibility, that should be considered what’s normal. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

I worked with someone who relied completely on his doctors and ignored all the signs his own body was giving him. He didn’t want to take ownership of his own health but instead blindly just followed the system. It wasn’t until our sessions that he realized that HE needed to be driving factor of his own recovery and to use his doctors as his support team part of a much bigger picture of health.

On Relationships-
We become trapped when we look at the people in our lives and expect them to change. They won’t. It always takes two to dance, and the only way you can change their patterns is if you first change yours. Ownership is taking responsibility of your own emotions, your own thoughts, and learning how to self-regulate.

And the point isn’t for them to change. The point is for you to integrate and grow. Your life experience is made up of only 10% what happens to you, the other 90% is how you respond to it.

To self-regulate is the ability to keep composure and maturity, especially during times of stress. To find calmness and gratitude on the inside when everything else on the outside perhaps is going sideways.

I worked with someone who was very angry with happened to them. But their anger didn’t change anything. It only produced more cortisol in their system and generalized into other areas of life. When they realized that the person that needed to change was them, they were able to truly move past their history and start building a new future of possibility.

I tell people, that NLP won’t change your life. It will for sure be the vehicle for that change. But it’s still YOU that’s gotta drive that vehicle, and in the direction that you choose.

So choose personal ownership.

Choose personal freedom.

The Biggest Announcement of My Life!

⚠️THE BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT OF MY LIFE⚠️

Oh my God! I’m actually very emotional writing this.

Yes, it’s my birthday, but today is just much more special, I’m having trouble keeping it in…

It may have something to do with the lack of sleep. I’m on a total of 5 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. I made a commitment to you all, and I intend to keep it!

But probably it has to do with knowing just how far I’ve come. The work I get to do, the people I get to help, the impact I get to make, it is by faaaar the most rewarding part of my life. I am eternally grateful.

And to look back at my life, knowing where I was, and what I have endured to get here. And also knowing that in many ways, my real path has just started.

This picture was taken from my first FREE public event… just 2 years ago…

Yeah, I’m totally choking up right now…

10 years ago, I wasn’t exactly where I thought I would be at that time. While I had many blessings, I felt that life was just kicking my butt and there was nothing I could do about it.

My wife was pregnant with our son. And of course I was excited about that but I was also grossly aware of the fact that I was barely hitting 50% of my sales target, and the fear of being canned was always present. I was considering other opportunities. Even wrote the first test for my real estate license. That’s right! I could have been your neighbourhood Realtor

My self confidence was at an all time low. While I had already been taking workshops in personal development, I just couldn’t seem to break through my limiting beliefs about what I though I am capable of doing.

I remember as a child, I thought I could do anything. Everything seemed possible. But when the fear and panic about writing tests started in University it planted seeds of doubt so deep that I couldn’t seem to shake it.

Which also, didn’t make any sense, I used to be the kid who got A+ in literally every test and every assignment, except Art and English, those were B’s

And as a result of all this anxiety, I ended up completely dropping out of school altogether.

I considered myself a failure.

I got good at hiding it, but it was there, always present in the background…

I threw myself in various things, trying to prove to myself, that I can still make something of myself, but every time things got tough, I found myself struggling and unable to push through.

But then everything changed that year. I had enrolled in a 20 month long NLP mentorship program and as I began to apply what I was learning, I immediately began getting very different results that what I was used to.

First, I quickly learned ways to shed beliefs that were not serving me. I then learned how to wake up every morning and DESIGN the beliefs and behaviours I needed to win the day.

I learned how to began to pay attention to the subtle cues that coworkers and customers gave in their body language and facial expressions.

I suddenly had access to so much extra data.

I noticed how my words were being interpreted and adjusted in order to have the best impact.

I then began to model successfully the top produces at my workplace.

By the following year, I was top 10% in gross profit in the company, and I hit 6 figures for the first time in my life.

But money aside, what I had gained, was the power of choice.

Choice over my thoughts.

Choice over my emotions.

Choice over my actions.

And with choice, came my personal freedom. That’s what I really gained.

I quit my job in 2012 and double downed on more trainings, travelling around the world and learning from the best.

People who got real results. Genuine human beings who care and desire for people to reach their full potential. Those are my mentors and teachers. I have spent upwards of $50k plus thousands of hours in my own learning…

I started training others NLP in 2013 for the place that I received my training from. In 2016, I launched my own workshops and put through over 50 people through my programs over the coming years, changing the trajectory of their lives forever.

I have worked one on one with hundreds of individuals over the past several years, helping them release trauma from abuse, release phobias, work through divorces, break addictions, gain control over their anger, break through fear, depression, anxiety.

I have helped individuals find gratitude and passion in what’s been in front of them this whole time, but their brain was blind to it. I have helped people progress in their careers, one of my clients started with me as a Director, since then he has moved through VP, SVP and now CIO (Chief Information Officer).

I have helped doctors, firemen, nurses, teachers, entrepreneurs, millionaires and children break through major life situations.

I have helped people find urgency, start their businesses, discover and then execute on their life’s work.

And really, I did all of this by using what I learned from my own NLP training and then teaching them NLP techniques that made all the difference for them.

The truth is, everyone deserves to be able to produce the same results as those that are just born with the charisma. Heck, NLP should be taught in school. That would change the whole game!!!

I wish I could work one on one with every person I meet.

But there’s only one of me, and so many of you… not to mention not everyone lives in my hometown!

A lot of people have been waiting for me to start up my weekly NLP programs, but I wanted to make sure that I’m really giving something of the same high calibre and value that my one on one clients get.

Luckily, the internet makes it so very possible!

I have taken everything that I have ever done, all of my life’s work, and have poured it into a CORE Transformation and NLP Coaching program that I am opening up today!!!

And because I don’t have to worry about things like renting rooms, or travel, I can now suddenly serve more people than ever before and at a price point that makes it far more affordable then working with me one on one. AND you’re still going to get ONE on ONE access to me!

Okay, here’s the details on the program.

Starting in mid September – I am delivering over a period of 10 consecutive weeks, a program designed to give you life transformation.

Each week, for 2 hours, you will join me on a LIVE video call, where you will learn an NLP concept and move immediately into HOW you can APPLY it in your life. I will be giving you NLP training, but please understand, this is not really an NLP course, not in the traditional sense at least.

I personally have taken more NLP trainings than most NLP Trainers lol. It’s usually very technical, very theoretical and often focusses on running patterns and protocols. Useful for people like me who work with clients, but for the average person… what does any of this even really mean?

I have taken all of the jargon, all of the theory, and all of the material, and distilled it into practical concepts that are directly applicable to your life and the goals you have.

You will learn exactly how to produce the same behaviours and thoughts necessary to be just like the people you most admire!

And because I’m absolutely dedicated to your growth, you will also receive direct one on one coaching every week!

Folks, this is insane. No one offers this. They’ll just sell you a prerecorded class or something, but not only am I giving you LIVE delivery, I’m also working with you individually.

I really hope that you understand just how exclusive that is and that it begins to show you how sincere I am in teaching you and helping you grow.

What’s the value of direct coaching. Believe me, I’ve been working in this field for over 10 years, and I know that it isn’t because we are lazy, or we have a procrastination problem, but rather there are deeply rooted beliefs and internal conflicts that need to be rewired.

In our coaching calls, I will teach you how to enable yourself to exactly rewire and break through these blocks. I will work with you for the first few issues, hand hold you through, but then eventually you can do it for yourself and you won’t need me. That’s my goal, to get you using NLP and making it work for you!

Who knows, maybe you’ll also start sharing and helping others… that’s how I got started

Here’s what else is part of the program. So we already have the live group trainings and the one on one coaching.

There are also weekly exercises that make applying NLP into your daily routines, fun!

You will have access to a community FB page exclusive to your group. This is where I’ll be answering any questions that come up mid week and sharing other useful tidbits, daily.

You are algo getting a FREE ticket to a 1 day LIVE event where we will be learning and practicing never seen-before techniques. I’ll be serving delicious gourmet food and snacks throughout the day. And, I don’t want to spoil it, but I’ve got something planned for the evening that will have you telling all your friends about it! Other people will have to pay for this event. You get it for FREE!

I’m also throwing in a few BONUSES. Because it’s my BIRTHDAY and who doesn’t like GIFTS!

Bonus 1: You are going to get my Top 3 Recommended Books on NLP, Self-Actualization and Persuasion mailed directly to your door.

Bonus 2: You are going to get several Self-Hypnosis Tracks for you to listen to help in releasing stuck emotions and to get you in the right attitude to WIN each day.

Bonus 3: And this one is really a WIN/WIN/WIN Bonus. It’s about being socially conscious. I am taking a portion of the investment you make into yourself, and investing that into an orphan child’s future. In your name, I will sponsor a child for the entire year through Plan International. You will receive regular updates about your sponsored child. This is really what it’s all about…

Now, because I do want to do a good job. I’m also keeping this program very intimate. Great for the people who get in, but my apologies for those that miss out.

Now, I know some of you are probably ready to sign up. I mean I actually had people go to my old course page and register when I was just mentioning that I have exciting news for today.

I’ve also got emails from people asking to be the first ones in line when I open this up… sorry but I promised I would post it on Facebook first.

Anyways, because it’s only open to 20 people, there is a bit of an application process to ensure that this program will actually help you.

I wish I could open it up for more, but there’s only one of me and so many of you, and I’m going to be personally spending a lot of time with you.

So please, act fast.

If you’re the 21st person, you’ll need to wait till 2020, which is when I will run this program again.

But what you’re not going to see ever again, is that 40% off the cost of the entire program.

This incredible deal is not only because it’s my birthday, but to be transparent, I want each of you that sign up to be case studies for me to share!!!

But you must act by the end of today!!

So how do you get started?

Simply click the link below to schedule a Complementary Discovery Call and once you book the call, you will automatically get a questionnaire, scientifically formulated to help you gain insight and awareness into yourself. It will help you identify where you currently are in life and begin to reveal what’s possible. This questionnaire will get you ready for our call.

The purpose of this DISCOVERY call is to identify your psychological and emotional blocks which are keeping you stuck.

Why are you stuck in life? Why are you stuck in a project? Why are you stuck in a relationship? Why are you stuck in your health? Why are you blocked?

In this call, I will help you understand your behavioural patterns, and identify some of the limiting beliefs and any internal conflicts that exist and are preventing you from doing all the things you say you want to do.

This call itself is worth it, because I don’t hold anything back. I want you to discover the power of NLP coaching.

Okay, so don’t delay because I am simply going to go down the list in order of those who book a call first. I really don’t want to keep repeating myself, but if you think that this program is for you, schedule a call. Every time I run a program, it sells out.

No payment is required until you are officially accepted into the program.

Remember you MUST schedule the call by the 11:59PM PST today in order to qualify for the 40% discount.

Here’s the link:
https://www.coachthemind.ca/apply/

And join the conversation on Facebook, where I originally posted this!

Understanding Perspective – Pineapples in Lasagna

Here’s another fun story on the NLP Presupposition “The Map is not the Territory”

This speaks to that each and every one of us have a mental map of the world around us. That what we hold as true and how we believe what is real in the world is not actually the real world. Just like when you go to a restaurant, what you see on the menu is not the actual food. It’s a representation of the food.

And so our maps aren’t the real world either, they are simply our own interpretation of the world. These maps are formed through each individuals life experiences, their values, their beliefs, their surroundings, what their parents have told them, what their friends have told them, what society has told them. And each individual has their own map of their reality.

We actually don’t operate in the world directly. In the meaning, that we operate through our five senses, through our perceptual filters, and then onto the world.

Often when we get stuck in life. It is usually not a limitation in the world, but rather a limitation in our map of the world. For example, let’s pretend we have the goal of getting a promotion at work. But we tell ourselves that we don’t have the qualifications or the self-confidence to actually get hired. When questioned, we will discover all the evidence that actually shows the amount of experience and qualifications we actually do have. And in the matter of self-confidence – well… self-confidence shows up when we are with our family, or when we are playing ball, driving a car, or arguing with friends which restaurant to eat at, doesn’t it? And so the limitation that we perceive to have, is simply a limitation of our own map, and not reality.

This becomes very useful and very empowering, when we look at all the things we want to do, but don’t. “What’s stopping us? No – Really… what’s stopping us?”

Another area this is applicable to is when we interact with others. Because we all have our own mental maps, made up of our own unique experiences, beliefs and values, we tend to assume that everyone around us are also operating out of the same map. Conflicts, disagreements, miscommunications occur when we impose our map onto someone else. Sure, there are overlaps, and general agreements, but when we chunk down into the specifics, you’ll begin to notice just how different our maps are from one another.

Enter into their map first and understand what their map is about and then speak from that.

A couple weeks ago, the team over at Naseeha got together for a family potluck. We brought lasagna. Everyone complimented us on the dish and commented on how “the pineapples were a very pleasant surprise”. Meanwhile, both my wife and I were thinking “Aren’t there always pineapples in lasagna?”…

Simply by understanding that each and everyone of us operates through our own unique maps of the world, our beliefs, our values, through our experiences, and through what has served us well in the past, will allow us to have better relationships and synergy with those around us and effectively, lead us to be more successful and ultimately just happier.

Stretching outside your familiar zone, having conversations to learn (and not to judge), adapting different perspectives, picking up different hobbies, reading books and attending workshops are all ways to add richness to your map. The more richness in your map, the more flexibility. The more flexibility, the more success.

Have a great Tuesday and rest of week!

Better Communication – Why won’t she pick up my call?

Here’s an NLP principle that has given me much success in life over the years.

“The meaning of communication is the response you get.”

What this speaks to is that if you want to understand the impact or how your communication was actually understood you look at the response you get.

If you get a response that is totally not what you expected, then it’s actually your job to change and adjust your language until they receive the message that you intended. And again the evidence is in how they respond.

So many times we expect others to simply know and understand what we intended or what we meant. But that’s the root of miscommunication.

If you want to be a good communicator than take ownership of the response you get.

And where I found real value in this is when I started applying the reverse approach. Before communicating I always ask myself well what response do I want. I then speak to the result rather than simply speaking.

Let me give you an example.

Back when I worked my corporate job, we would ship orders out to customers. I was in sales. And every now and then, there would be an issue and the order would not get delivered to the customer for one reason or another.

Many of my coworkers would call their purchaser and ask “what went wrong?” or “why didn’t it get delivered?” Or (oh God…) “you messed up my order, fix it!”

On contrast, I would pick up the phone and say to my purchaser, “Hey this order didn’t get delivered. Can you please look into it and use your best judgement so that the customer gets their delivery as soon as they can. They are down and need it desperately.”

One line of communication focuses on the problem, the other line of communication focusses on the solution. One line of communication blames, the other asks for help. One line of communication creates tension, the other empowers and acknowledges.

The results? My purchaser fixed what needed fixing and my customer got their order. I also gained more loyalty and trust with my purchaser and over time my purchaser would take extra care of me and my orders.

So the next time you get a response other than what you intended, take ownership, ask yourself did you communicate with the intended response in mind, and YOU adjust your communication accordingly.

Also,an interesting aside, is that whenever I would pick up the phone, my purchaser would always pick up. But they wouldn’t pick up my coworkers calls. And this was even after the company implement a no-call, email only policy. ????

Please like and share if you found benefit in this!

Life Long Learning. The Urgency to Read.

When I was 5 years old (maybe 6), my mother used to take my sister and I to the local library every week and had us join the book club. I don’t really remember much about what we did there, but I do remember every time you read a book, they gave you a silver coin (see picture above – yes, I still have them some 30 years later) or these plastic beads that can be worn as a necklace or bracelets. We collected quite a few of these little trophies…

That was in New York, and when we moved here to Canada, my mother continued taking me (I guess my sister didn’t care much for it anymore) to the library for their activities. I loved it, we would read books, have story time, watch movies and by grade 6, I would bike to the library myself and read everything I could get my hands on. I always checked out the maximum number of allowed books and would return promptly in the 3 week period to check out more. I even had my library card number memorized – 290798 08844 386 😉 (no longer valid, sorry guys :p)

In High School, my dad and I would have a weekly routine. We would go to the Central Library in Mississauga, I would find books and he would sit in the main area reading newspapers. We would then eat Onion Rings in the cafeteria inside the library building.

Lots of great memories around books and reading and mind you, all I was reading was fiction. From Fantasy, to Mystery, to Sci Fi. I fell in love with Star Wars in High School, not because of the movies, but because of the books. I read RL Stine and Christopher Pike in my pre teens. Tom Swift and ‘Choose Your Adventure’ books (remember those?) in primary school. Curious George, Bernstein Bears, Amelia Bedilia before that and I remember the Little Miss and Mr. series by Roger Hargreaves in Kindergarten.

Fast forward to my adult years, now being married, being a father and of course work (gotta pay them bills), I can’t exactly stay up all night reading a book with a flashlight or spend the entire day locked up in my room. But as reading slowed down, so did my personal growing. I became stagnant. There was a period, where I got so busy with work and family that I stopped pretty much everything that was personal growth, including reading, weekend seminars, workshops etc… I eventually entered the all too common mentality of just settling for mediocrity and found myself saying the all too common phrases of self-defeat: “hey, it is what it is…” and “what can you do…” I stopped learning, I stopped growing. And I stayed this way for quite a number of years, until one day I woke up and said what am I doing… this isn’t me at all and I started investing in myself again. And I began with how it all began, with reading…

And that really is the point that I’m trying to make. Reading or more specifically, the experience that comes from reading, is simply not valued enough. I attribute much of my current success, my intelligence and my imagination to my love and habit of reading in my youth.

Thank you mom!

Side note, for all those parents out there reading this, it really is sad to see how many kids now a days don’t read. And even sadder to know that sometimes they aren’t even encouraged to read by their parents… I honestly believe, they are being crippled mentally if they don’t have a passion to read because without books they aren’t growing and won’t continue to grow once outside the school system and into real life. Parents, and would be parents, get your kids to love books!

And getting back to you adults, even if you didn’t have a childhood of books like I did, it is never too late to start. The benefits of reading are huge!!! By doing a quick search on the good ol’ internet, you find many articles and studies done on the benefits of reading. I’ve compiled a list from those results here:

1. Better Social Skills and Empathy
2. Increased Vocabulary
3. Increased Knowledge
4. Decreases Stress
5. Stronger Analytical thinking
6. Improved focus and concentration
7. Improved Sleep
8. Increases ability to cope with change
9 Makes you attractive.
10. Provides cheap entertainment.

And probably the biggest benefit to reading is it helps you grow in experience. One of my favourites episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation was “The Inner Light”. In this episode, Captain Picard lives about 20 years of another man’s life, has a wife, has children, belongs to a community, and learns how to play a flute, all in the span of under half an hour. When he wakes up, Captain Picard recovers the alien probe that gave him those memories and discovers the flute he had learned how to play. The episode ends with him playing the flute in real life. And in many ways, a good book, gives you the life journeys, mistakes, successes and experiences, with all the lessons that come with it, all in the span of a few hundred pages. You come out each book, having lived another life. And with each set of experiences constantly being added to your internal library, there they are free to mix and mingle and help you when ever you need it. Imagine having life experiences from a collection of lifetimes.

Okay, not quite exactly like the video above, but it’s the next best thing.

Reading becomes an investment that returns exponentially.

These days, I don’t read much fiction any more, although the desire keeps creeping back. I’ve instead moved more onto self help and business books. Also, because finding time to actually read is hard, I switched over to Audio Books. While Audio Books don’t give the same exercise for your brain like reading does, you at least get all the other benefits that comes from reading and books in general.

I got myself the cheapest subscription to Audible.com and every month I get a credit which gets me any book in their catalogue, and their catalogue is the largest around.

Audio books work great as you can throw them on during your commute to and back from work. Or even driving to meet a friend or running an errand, you can get some content in. Answer this. How many books have you read last year? I won’t even ask last month… I typically get through a book each month and that’s just with casual listening during my “school bus driver” duties.

Imagine that, I get through about a dozen books minimum each year… Most people won’t read a dozen books their entire life once they have finished school. In my opinion, they have pretty much hung up their coat and have stopped growing. Not to mention, because reading is probably the best exercise for your mind, your mind like any other muscle without exercise is getting fat and lazy.

Get your free trial of Audible.com here including 2 free books of your choice! Audible Free Trial [Digital Membership]

I leave you today with a collection of books that I highly recommend. Grab them from Amazon for the best price, plus you’ll be helping me earn a commission, win/win 🙂

Amazon Canada
Must Read Titles:
Rich Dad, Poor Dad, by Robert Kiyosaki
The 4-Hour Workweek, by Timothy Ferriss
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
Crush it!, by Gary Vaynerchuk
Chicken Soup for the Soul, Multiple Authors

Amazon US
Must Read Titles:
Rich Dad, Poor Dad, by Robert Kiyosaki
The 4-Hour Workweek, by Timothy Ferriss
How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
Crush it!, by Gary Vaynerchuk
Chicken Soup for the Soul, Multiple Authors

I really look forward to your feedback on this post and I welcome your questions, comments and stories.

Please comment below.

Like what you’re reading? Please share!

The Map is not the Territory – How not to give advice

If you’ve ever taken any sort of workshop with me around communication, you’ll know of a little exercise I like to do in which I ask everyone in the group to close their eyes and think of the word “HORSE”.

In fact, do that right now. Close your eyes and answer the following three questions while thinking of “HORSE”:
1. What do you see?
2. What do you hear?
3. What do you feel?

Leave a comment below with your answers. It’s a fun little exercise 🙂

I’m sure it won’t surprise you that people will have difference answers. I’ve received varied responses including:

– a beautiful white horse, galloping freely across a beach next to calm blue waters, giving a sense of confident peace…

-a black horse, in full war armour, facing an army, with feelings of anxiety of the unknown outcome…

-a simple brown horse, not moving, no sound, no feelings associated with the picture, just floating in the mind…

Now think about this, if we can’t absolutely agree on the word “HORSE”, then how can we agree on words like “happiness”, “love”, “respect”, or “success”?

Reflect on this for a moment… now let’s continue.

The reality of our own realities of life is that each and everyone of us experiences the world through a set of perceptual filters, which is based upon life experiences that have formed our unique beliefs and values. And these beliefs and values directly dictate our behaviours. In other words, our own personal realities, or how we perceive the world is a unique creation that is different from everyone else.

This is what it means when us NLP Practitioners say: “The Map is Not the Territory”.

Once you understand this model of the world, you can now begin to understand why two people may be in an intense argument even though they are making the same point and are trying to achieve the same objective. They may have the same objective but their unique approach to the issue is so different that they can’t come to terms. They are busy on arguing about the resulting behaviour without any communication of their beliefs and values that creates that behaviour, and that is wherein the problem lies and the root cause of the argument.

In order to find resolution, understanding of the others’ beliefs and values must first occur. From there on you can speak to the behaviour and perhaps offer alternative, more positive behaviours that honour the existing beliefs and values. If you can understand their beliefs and values you can now operate in their model of their world.

This is, sometimes, a very difficult thing as most people aren’t consciously aware that they are actually stuck in their own model of the world, in their own maps. They keep applying their map of the world to everything and everyone around them and so when they are asked for advice, they simply respond from the context of their own maps instead of stepping out and operating in the map of the one asking for advice. And yes, it is possible to step out of your map and into someone else’s map. It’s a skill, it takes practice for most, while some people are born with it. Either way, it really is essential for proper communication.

Let’s apply this knowledge to real life, every day scenarios of giving advice. I belong to a number of resource groups and I always cringe when someone sends out an email to the effect of “I am challenged with such and such, and so and so is saying this and this… What should I do?”

I cringe because I know what is going to follow is a flurry of replies from individuals offering their “sincere advice” on what actions to take and how to rectify the situation. I cringe because that the advice that is going to be given is from each individuals’ own model of the world, their own experiences, and their own beliefs and values.

It’s a huge gamble because what worked for the one giving the advice may not be applicable to the person asking for advice. Perhaps, it may even cause the situation to become worse. The advice that is given is from a different map and the one giving the advice does not understand the map of the one asking for advice.

Think of your own example of a time where you were given advice and while it was solid content, it didn’t help much. I can guarantee what was missing was the lack of understanding of your unique map. That person who offered you advice was operating from their own map and asking you to apply their solutions into your map. And however sincere they may be, at the end their advice wasn’t much help. Good intentions doesn’t equal good results.

On the flip side, think of a time when you gave advice and while the same advice helped you in a similar scenario, it didn’t offer much benefit to the other person. Break it down now. Did you fully understand their map? Did you fully understand their beliefs and values? Did you fully understand the thing that was driving that behaviour or situation that needed change?

Here’s a case study for all of us. A true story that happened a few months back on a Facebook group my wife belongs to. The context is not of giving advice, but notice the cause and effect of what happens when the map isn’t understood. And in this case not understood by both parties.

On a Facebook group for only women, a man used his wife’s Facebook account to post a message to the group. The husband was having some issues that he wanted to sort out and was looking for advice. He did not pretend he was his wife, and actually did identify himself as the husband, spoke of his problems and also commented that the reason he is using his wife’s account and posting on this private group is because his wife is always telling him what an amazing resource the group is for all its members. The result was that he received no advice at all. Instead what he received was harsh admonishment for using his wife’s account. Here was a man looking for advice and to make positive changes, but those he was seeking help from could not see past the ‘behaviour’ of using his wife’s account and posting to an all female group. They didn’t bother to understand the beliefs which lead him to do what he did, and instead insulted him further. At the same time, the man’s map did not incorporate the level of privacy that belongs to an all women’s resource group. In his map, doing what he did, was not such a big deal.

I do not know the extent of damage that was done in this case.

How would you handle the situation? If the members of the group were able to step out of their own maps and into his map, would the outcome have been different?

The question you should all be now interested in is how do we effectively give advice then? Well, simply apply Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit (7 Habits of Highly successful people).

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Stop trying to offer a solution that is really meant for yourself, i.e. if you were in that situation, because it’s not about you, it’s about them. And really you will be far more effective in creating positive change if you actually do not offer a single piece of advice. Instead focus on asking better questions. Questions that allow the person asking for advice to understand the map that they are operating from within. Questions that allow them to consciously understand the beliefs and values driving the resulting behaviour. Questions that allow them to understand what is really going on. Questions that speak more to the desired result and what they must do to achieve the result.

One of my mentors, Dr. Mike Mandel, often says:

“Not only are you your own therapist, you are your best therapist”

And so the best advice you can give is really no advice but rather to ask questions that empowers the individual to self direct themselves to positive change.

For further reading and suggestions of good questions, I highly suggest the NLP Coaching Cards by Salad Seminars.

I personally use these NLP Language patterns in my one on one sessions all the time and they are beneficial for self work as well. You can get them much cheaper from Amazon here: NLP Coaching Cards

More information can be found here:
http://www.saladseminars.com/nlp-coaching-cards.php

One of my favourite “NLP stories” that wonderfully showcases application of operating within the map of the person needing help is the account of the man who believed that he heard voices from electrical outlets. If that wasn’t crazy enough, he also believed that he must obey the instructions that he heard.

After many failed interventions with therapists he was eventually handed over to Bandler and Grinder (2 of the 3 founders of NLP). In their first appointment Bandler and Grinder effectively extracted the man’s map of the world and understood the two directives that drove his behaviour which simply put were:
1. Electrical outlets speak to him
2. He must obey what he hears

After the initial consultation they asked him to return the following week. When he returned they purposefully had him be the last appointment and had him wait in the empty waiting room pretending that they were running late with the previous session. Bandler and Grinder had actually set up a speaker behind an electrical outlet and using a microphone in the other room gave the following instructions:.

1. What you are hearing right now is the real voice of the electrical outlets.
2. All other voices are fake and can not be trusted.
3. This is your last communication.

Their intervention was pure genius. Where all other therapists failed they succeeded. Other therapists challenged the man’s map and tried to prove what he believes to be incorrect, false and not real. Bandler and Grinder instead operated within the man’s map, honoured his beliefs and used the rules of his own map and his own beliefs to accomplish instant and everlasting change.

This also brings up an interesting point. It really doesn’t matter WHY we do things that we want to change, what matters is HOW we are going to do those things that we want. But that’s another blog post for a different day 😉

I really look forward to your feedback on this post and I welcome your questions, comments and stories.

Please comment below.

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De-clutter and De-stress… your Smart-Phone

Let me start by saying this is not another how to clean up junk on your smart phone article. So… keep reading…

This weekend, I embarked on the almost impossible task of cleaning out my office. To say it’s messy would be an understatement. I admit, I haven’t actually seen my desk for about months. There is paper everywhere. I do know where everything is, though. It’s almost a paradox. Organized clutter. Kind of like traffic in the streets of India. But it was time to clean up and so I began. A few hours later, I could see the wooden surface of my desk; papers were now neatly stacked in organized piles, and everything else was filed away. I felt … good.

I mean we’ve all read blog posts and articles of how having an organized office mean having an organized mind and so on. And when we have gone through the effort to clean things up, we do feel at peace. I wholly agree with this. And so as I reflected upon this, the idea suddenly popped into my head, what if I do the same thing but with my phone. What would happen if I empower my smartphone as I empowered my workplace?

I took out my phone and began examining the apps I have. I have everything organized, into different folders. Games in one folder. Health Apps in another. Productivity Apps in yet another. So, already things are pretty neat. But when I asked myself the question, how good do I feel about this from 1-10, I said about a 4. As a Life Coach and NLP guy, I’m always asking myself questions such as this. If I can know how something affects me emotionally, I can make a conscious decision to do something about it. The result being to empower me further. So a 4 was pretty dismal to me.

I then asked myself, well what do I need to make this a 10? What would I need to see? I realized that for me, I had too many apps with notifications, and these notifications were a constant nudge that I’m not doing something. But these weren’t important things. It was apps like SnapChat with their community message. Or games that needed me to check in. Or random news apps telling me I haven’t checked the latest headlines. GroupOn App with deals that I’m potentially missing out on. Etc… I wouldn’t exactly say it’s overwhelming, but I did begin to think what kind of an impact this must have on me at an unconscious level. I mean I must look at my phone over a hundred times a day and each time I get a snapshot of all these things that are needing my attention.

So I began deleting apps. I deleted just over half of the apps I had installed. And it was an interesting exercise. I had had three to do list apps. Another four apps that were essentially calculators. Multiple apps of stores that I hadn’t visited for months and even when I did, the app, served no real purpose. My rule was, if I haven’t used this app in the last month, then I don’t really need it. So I deleted it. My other rule was, even I have used this app, did it actually bring benefit to me? I mean what would happen if I didn’t check into SnapChat or check out the latest deals by GroupOn. Guess what, I ended up deleting both apps and then some.

I asked myself now how do I feel. It was about a 6. So I asked what more do I need to do. I realized that while it was nice to no longer see notifications for things I didn’t really care for, I could do more to evoke a positive emotional response to my phone. I asked what are the apps that bring me benefit and give me a sense of empowerment. I moved those to the first screen. There were only eight of them. I moved the other apps that I often use to the second screen and then the “now and then” apps to the third screen. I then changed the wallpaper to something that brought me a sense of peace and also motivation. See screenshots below.

So now every time I take a look at my phone, how good does it make me feel? Well, I would say a 9.

Give it a try and let me know your experience.

Oh, and in case, you did want something to clear the junk out of your iPhone. Give this a shot:
https://www.imobie.com/phoneclean/

I’ve read good things and have used it myself, but like always, do your own research first 🙂